“What if I drop my baby? What if my baby stops breathing? What if my baby slips in the bath & drowns?”
I’m THRILLED about this wonderful collaboration with Dr Pooja Lakshmin @womensmentalhealthdoc. Thank you Pooja for this brilliant graphic and for sharing my research messages to help mums feel less alone.
The image shows some examples of intrusive, accidental harm thoughts about the baby. NEARLY ALL new parents have these. Disturbing & tormenting, these thoughts and images are taboo to talk about but they are normal!
My research & other studies show that 1 IN 2 women have thoughts of intentional harm (e.g. urges to scream at, smother or throw the baby). These unwanted thoughts can come into a mother’s mind unexpectedly, evoking horror, shame & guilt – even tho she’d never deliberately hurt her baby.
It’s the MEANING mums draw from these terrifying visions that grants them power. In my recently published study women voiced fears around sharing their harm thoughts – interpreting them as a sign that they’re mad, bad or dangerous.
NO ONE I interviewed shared their thoughts with a health professional. Even those confiding in a partner/ friend limited what they shared for fear of being judged a ‘bad’ mother –or having their baby taken away.
I call this the policing effect of aspiring to be Supermum. This relates to the Western-centric ideology of patriarchal motherhood. Promoting the idealised mother as ‘natural’, blissful & ultimately fulfilled. This powerful myth gets internalised by women, leading to a projection of perfection - mums believing they must prove to themselves and others that they’re always calm, coping, and in control.
But, when we experience the messy reality of having a baby, we discover how living up to this ideal is impossible – it sets women up to fail. What can help is to understand that scary thoughts of harm are part of adjusting to the huge responsibility of a new baby. Dr Nichole Fairbrother says: “If a mother worries about the stroller rolling into traffic, she’s going to grip the handle more tightly.”
Talking to empathic loved ones can also help to normalise & validate these thoughts.
All info here is for education only – it’s not medical advice.