Trigger warning
Unwanted, intrusive worries of harm coming to our baby are REALLY common – even more so in the pandemic when our threat systems are dialled up.
These include word thoughts (e.g. “what if my baby stops breathing?”), images (e.g. a mental picture of the baby falling off the changing mat), or impulses or urges (e.g. the urge to throw the baby). Unwanted, infant-related harm thoughts broadly come in two forms. One is accidentally harming a child, reported by nearly EVERY SINGLE WOMAN in my study and larger studies. Examples include an image of the baby suffocating, or falling or being dropped.
The second type are thoughts of intentional harm – reported by 1 in 2 WOMEN. Examples of intentional harm thoughts include screaming at the baby, or impulses to shake, smother or throw the baby.
These harm thoughts can pop into a mother’s mind unexpectedly and evoke horror - even though she would never deliberately hurt her baby. Research shows there’s no evidence that unwanted thoughts of intentionally harming a baby are associated with risk.
Women may feel intense shame, guilt or horror when they have these thoughts – which means they don’t talk about them. Shame is silencing. The very fact mums feel ashamed or horrified about having these thoughts is a strong sign that they’re not going to hurt the baby. These thoughts tend not to sit comfortably with the woman – meaning that they’re not indicative of risk in themselves. Experiencing these unwanted thoughts makes you no more likely to deliberately hurt your baby than any other parent.
For health professionals, key questions include: Does the mother intend to act out the thoughts? What’s her emotional response to the thoughts (is she unaffected)? Has she ever intentionally harmed her baby?
Unlike thoughts occurring in postpartum psychosis, negative answers to these questions suggest a very low risk of intentionally harming the baby.
FOR MORE INFO
PODCASTS: I’ve had the honour to chat with Zoe Blaskey on the fab Motherkind podcast, with Dr Sophie Brock (The Good Enough Mother), Nikki McCahon (Dear Mama podcast) and Amy Polly (MamaKind Club) - have a listen here:
RESOURCES IF SEEKING PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT
Sometimes it can feel hard to communicate these kinds of thoughts to a health professional. This can feel particularly hard given what we know about mums fearing they might be judged negatively, or unable to cope, or even have their baby taken away.
If you want to ask your GP about accessing more support, say talking therapy, at your 6-8 week check or at any other time, I offer ideas below for how you can prepare for your appointment:
Decide yourself or a with a supportive loved one what you want to say about your experience of unwanted harm thoughts about your baby (e.g. consider 1 or 2 examples of these thoughts/ images/ urges you can give, and feelings that come with it).
You can even ‘rehearse’ what you might say with your safe person.
Read the document I’ve posted below. It’s a published leaflet about intrusive, baby-related harm thoughts by a psychologist aimed at health professionals, who may have limited understanding/ training around these thoughts.
When you talk to or meet with your GP, tell them about your experience of unwanted thoughts as you’ve prepared.
Tell them you’ve read about these kinds of thoughts on this website, and show them the leaflet (linked below).
Tell your GP you’d like to access therapeutic support from a local Psychology service, ideally one offering perinatal support. Ask them what’s available in your area, discuss the available options and the possibility of referring you if you think it would be helpful.
DOCUMENT - a leaflet about unwanted, intrusive thoughts of harm about the baby aimed at health professionals. You can take this with you to your appointment with your GP or any health professional.