T/W #anger
Maybe you can relate… Feeling cumulatively exhausted in those raw months postpartum. You’ve been waking multiple times in the night, perhaps your baby is teething, has reflux, or is hard to settle for reasons you can’t fathom.
Some of the women I interviewed voiced having unwanted urges to shake or throw their baby in these moments. We know these urges can occur amid high stress (e.g. the baby crying for long periods & wider stress from parenting in a pandemic), and when feeling unsupported.
We also know intentional harm thoughts come with feelings of anger and frustration in mums AND dads.
So, let’s think about the process around these thoughts - so forbidden in our society.
As yet there’s no research linking harm thoughts with trauma (such as sexual abuse, birth trauma, difficult childhood experiences and/or oppression related to, for example, race and class).
But we do know our belief systems can be shaped by life experiences, including traumatic ones. What’s key here is a mother’s PERCEPTION of her ABILITY TO COPE with the perceived threat. So let’s consider that moment hypothetically, triggered by her baby crying, when a mum has an unwanted impulse to harm her baby.
- Mum’s brain goes into threat mode. Her emotional brain takes over - her thinking brain goes offline.
- She may well PERCEIVE herself UNABLE TO COPE and soothe her baby in that moment. This belief can be influenced by the toxic Supermum myth, dictating that perfect mums must always be able to soothe their baby. She may well then be consumed with self-critical thoughts: “I’m failing. I can’t do this.”
- She loses the context of the moment (e.g. “I’m tired/ stressed…my baby’s teething”)
What’s important here is less the unwanted harm thought & more how she MANAGES that moment of overwhelm.
- She needs to put her baby down safely.
- Take 5 minutes out to self-regulate (e.g. breathing in for 4 counts, exhaling for 6; grounding exercise such as mindfully focusing attention on the surrounding space)
- TALK about her unwanted thoughts with a loved one. And if these moments happen a lot – talk to her GP, seek individualized support.
Mothering is hard. It’s society’s expectation that we should be perfect that’s broken, NOT you.
Art by @ohgigue