So what can underlie Anger?
Often Anger shows up, masking other raw, painful feelings. These can include fear. Feeling out of control. A crushing sense of responsibility for this tiny new person. It can also be sadness. Feeling abandoned and alone. Grieving unacknowledged losses amid this life-changing transition. Our pre baby self.. our body… our relationships.
Given that ‘good’ mothers aren’t allowed to be angry, we try to suppress it. We’re taught to fear it. The problem is, efforts to push it down & away create more stress, keeping Anger going. And so along with Anger, comes heavy shame and guilt. Amplifying the inner critic even more.
So let’s think: what fuels a mother’s anger? I’ve included some ideas on the infographic – do you have any to add? Sadly in the context of a diminished sense of community (aka ‘The Village’) - further compounded by Covid – modern mums are shouldering the heavy mothering load in isolation.
If we pause for a moment, to explore the many things that can contribute to Anger with curiosity and compassion, a mother’s Anger becomes less shocking. Unsurprising. And understandable.
On top of all this, rage can bubble over in the context of earlier trauma. In moments of unsafety and vulnerability postpartum, feelings of fear that were neatly packed away can come spilling out as incendiary rage.
Getting curious about our Anger allows us to separate out what feelings ‘belong’ to us and what ‘belongs’ to the baby. How we understand those spiky, ‘unacceptable’ parts of ourselves without splitting off from them. Learning to tend to the Anger showing up rather than fighting it. Through understanding & cultivating compassion. From self-knowing comes spiritual growth. This is transformative depth work: slow, creative, expansive.
Next, I’ll talk about ways to get to know and soothe our Anger.
What about you – what would you add to this picture?