⚡️Why am I the only one managing the endless mental load? Why am I shouldering the domestic burden? Why doesn’t my partner understand me? Why don’t they get it? ⚡️
I hear some of these questions from women grappling with life as a new mum.
This life-changing transition can place a huge strain on the family system. Through navigating what @alexandrasacksmd terms ‘matrescence’, mums experience huge changes to their brain… body… and identity. To feel that seemingly so little changes for our partner can lead to feelings of anger, envy and resentment.
On top of this, feeling inequality in bearing the vast mental load can contribute to feelings of powerlessness and injustice. Research shows that in hetero couples, women overwhelmingly bear this burden. The couple relationship can be further fragmented by limited opportunities and reduced desire for intimacy, creating yet more distance and disconnection.
So what to do?
The first is recognising what fuels Anger within the context of your relationship. What often happens within a strained system is breakdown of communication.
🌻It’s tough - but important to learn to communicate your unmet needs assertively & in calm moments.
🌻Given how easily our nervous systems get fired up – it only takes a bit of stress from another source (such as a dismissive / throwaway comment from our partner) to move us into threat mode and to snap.
🌻Psychologist Harriet Lerner talks about how it then takes A LOT of maturity & genuine desire to have a better relationship to STOP - and to respond differently. In what she calls the ‘Dance of Anger’ (also her book title), Harriet says we expend so much energy trying to change the other person who won’t change.
🌻When actually, our energy could be spent summoning the courage to change our own part in the dance. When we do, “the old dance can’t go on as usual”.
🌻NEXT I’ll talk about practical ways to change the dance. I’ll also share tips around communicating so every conversation with our partner doesn’t escalate into an explosive row.
What about you – what’s your experience?